Consciousness Journal: The Near Death Experience that Wasn’t
Loss of consciousness, flying though a bright tunnel, and seeing deceased loved ones? Check, check and check.
Discovering a white light in a place already white? Check that one too.
I may be wrong but it seems a literary formula has evolved for writing about one’s near death experience (NDE). And while the NDE is highly subjective, it seems rather formulaic when you read about it. So, if you are reading this, I am going to presume you have encountered the formula. Now, we can dispense with the preamble and get right to it.
Let’s meet “God”.
I am standing before this whiter than white presence from whom emanates profound knowledge (a.k.a., knowing the answer), profound wisdom (a.k.a. knowing when to speak the answer), and a cheeky sense of humor. In my sixteen years of Catholic influenced education, it had never been expressed to me that “God” had a sense of humor. At least not until I heard Robin Williams explain how the platypus came into existence. Once you get to know me, you’ll understand why comedy of irreverence is one of my love languages.
A tenuous ribbon appeared from the whiter than white entity and slowly extended to my forehead. I felt a sensory surge as my entire body tingled. It was as though I was a computer that was upgraded from dial up internet to the Internet’s backbone or maybe a T1 line. I made a gasp and then settled into the much higher data rate. A flood of ideas, concepts, and experiences came in. Then, there was a pause. Maybe it was to gauge how I was handling the connection. My response? Show me more.
A tenuous ribbon appeared from the whiter than white entity and slowly extended to my forehead. I felt a sensory surge as my entire body tingled. It was as though I was a computer that was upgraded from dial up internet to the Internet’s backbone or maybe a T1 line. I made a gasp and then settled into the much higher data rate. A flood of ideas, concepts, and experiences came in. Then, there was a pause. Maybe it was to gauge how I was handling the connection. My response? Show me more.
Like a tree trunk, the central structure supported a root and branch structure moving up, down, right, and left. These directions are not really true insofar as I cannot use the words North, South, East, and West with any more degree of accuracy. But I ventured down several of the pathways. They led to my deceased maternal grandfather, my favorite pet from my distant childhood, and my best friend. I came back to the trunk to meet the entity and asked again — show me more. And it was so.
Like a tree trunk, the central structure supported a root and branch structure moving up, down, right, and left. These directions are not really true insofar as I cannot use the words North, South, East, and West with any more degree of accuracy. But I ventured down several of the pathways. They led to my deceased maternal grandfather, my favorite pet from my distant childhood, and my best friend. I came back to the trunk to meet the entity and asked again — show me more. And it was so.
My perspective was outside the structure again. I do not know if it was I needed to be out of the structure or if showing me the change was necessary. Regardless, the outside perspective the snowflake grew denser — more complex. There were new interconnections. For a moment, it actually looked like a soccer ball. If you could take a picture of a bee hive and then wrap it around a sphere, that’s what I was seeing. It was only there for a moment before the negative space becomes filled with more of the intricate, crystalline structure. Its expansion paused and I was invited to explore within it again. It was most curious that the invitation did not come from my heavenly Sherpa. It came from the structure itself.
With the new connections and intricacies, I no longer had to return to the core. I was able to sense the energy signature that was unique to my grandfather. A fond memory I have of him is him working in the garden. I was then in his garden.
I found my first ever four leaf clover in that garden. Knowing nothing of the lore, I presented it to him. I found its symmetry pleasing and wanted to share that with him. When you are four, the world is magic and Grandpa did nothing to discourage that for me. With that spirit of gratitude, I returned my focus to the clover. The switch flipped, off to on, and I was then inside the actual clover.
I explored its intricacies both physical and energetic. I was just happy to be a molecule of chlorophyll. Like the snowflake, it had structure that made sense. If you could combine a roller coaster ride and a chamber orchestra into a single emotion… that was the joy I felt at the discoveries. As soon as I quantified the experience, something marvelous happened. We felt sunshine! When you are surrounded by joy, you don’t realize just how much capacity you have to feel more. Imagine the best gift you have ever received as a video and loop it. Now, overlay the finale of Ode to Joy. Sheer. Orchestral. Bliss. More than fifteen years later and I can still hear it.
I left the clover and returned to the garden space. I noticed some rocks by the burn bin and without hesitation, I dove into the rock. Again, I was greeted with structure and energy. It was very different than the clover. The rock was happy too but also knew that it was not as fragile as the clover. It was stoutly resolute and would see a thousand generations of clover rise and fall. It felt a sense of pride that almost felt smug. The clover knew it was a finite structure and was happy to be part of a system that contributed to other systems. Where the clover was a full orchestra, the rock was a simple, legato melody with an oboe and an upright bass. Compared to most things on Earth, this stone would be considered nearly timeless. Still, it knew that nothing is permanent and that its demise would come several centuries from now.
I left the clover and returned to the garden space. I noticed some rocks by the burn bin and without hesitation, I dove into the rock. Again, I was greeted with structure and energy. It was very different than the clover. The rock was happy too but also knew that it was not as fragile as the clover. It was stoutly resolute and would see a thousand generations of clover rise and fall. It felt a sense of pride that almost felt smug. The clover knew it was a finite structure and was happy to be part of a system that contributed to other systems. Where the clover was a full orchestra, the rock was a simple, legato melody with an oboe and an upright bass. Compared to most things on Earth, this stone would be considered nearly timeless. Still, it knew that nothing is permanent and that its demise would come several centuries from now.
I discovered a life form there and went to its planet of origin. I was pinging through the solar system as easily as I had explored my grandfather’s garden which had not existed since my youth in the 1970’s. Time and distance were artificial constructs. Separation and disconnection from the music of all things were also artificial. Zero / One.
With a flash of inspiration, I snapped back to my Sherpa and said ‘It’s all connected! That is what you want me to remember. It’s all connected! We’re ALL connected to each other!
There was an explosion of light! So much light! There are not human words to convey that moment when an infinite number of souls shower you with unconditional love. The stage light I mentioned before? It became a magnesium fire. There was so much to see… so much to know and remember.
With that sensation came an emotional wave that I can only compare to when I once sang in front of 12,000 people. There is a pressure akin to a crowded elevator when on the stage. And when you get applause, the pressure comes at you as a wave of happiness. With the flash of light, and the pressure wave of love, I got even more! I was enveloped in an energetic hug of collective astonishment and pride. In my head, I heard, ‘He gets it!’ Legions were singing the Hallelujah Chorus.
It was then my awareness expanded. It was no longer just the entity and I. In fact, there had to be hundreds of thousands of people surrounding us. It was dizzying. As soon as the sensation climaxed, it was all gone. The whole space of white light was gone. That reality was gone and a new one had taken shape. I had passed beyond the curtain. The reality that formed was much more intimate. If you have ever been to a play, and then stayed behind to have an open dialogue with the actors, this was the feeling that was manifesting. Click.
I was standing on a well-manicured lawn and immediately recognized it as a soccer stadium. However, the stadium seating was unrealistically high. It was then I realized I was on a Quidditch pitch. The multitude of attendees was actually souls. They were individual entities — humanoid for the most part. But there were others that looked like animals. Some looked transparent as though they were ghosts from central casting. And some, which I found to be mesmerizing, were opalescent ovals of light that occasionally elongated to appear as surf boards. Seeing all these entities in a pseudo-physical form begged the question — what did my energetic Sherpa look like? I turned. Standing next to me was George Carlin.
The human being known as George Carlin was still alive on Earth so who I was actually seeing is still a mystery. He gave me a gregarious smile. His eyes were alight with both wit and wisdom. I did not see that coming and was completely at ease with the avatar before me. He addressed the stadium.
“Hey everyone, this is John!”
A chorus of ‘Hi John’ washed over me and echoed throughout the stadium. It was truly a warm welcome.
“Everybody, John is from…EARTH!”
There were several gasps but the sounds that came to me were those ‘Ooh’s’ and ‘Oh’s’ one usually hears while watching fireworks. It was the accompanying energetic wave that washed over me that was the most surprising. It was admiration, congratulation, and quite possibly a few ‘holy shit balls’.
I was stunned. I was standing with “God”, revealing myself before the heavenly host, and they were in awe of me. I didn’t understand…and then, I did.
There is a logic associated with the soul’s development that is akin to a Montessori style of education. While there is a foundational approach to some things educational, not everyone is endowed with the affinity for all things. Brian May was a hell of a guitarist and, perhaps, a better astrophysicist. However, his ability to be a lumberjack might be questionable. One could also say that the study of astrophysics is more complex than playing guitar. As we grow and mature, the complexity increases.
There are places in the Universe where a soul makes its first entrance into the physical dimension and it is limited to physical experiences. There are other places that are limited to energetic experiences but no sensory input. As that soul increases in knowledge and experience, it is able to experience more complex worlds. Advanced worlds have both physical and energetic systems working at the same time. Near the apex of this learning system is Earth. Earth is a Master class for the soul.
I thought it was because of duplicity or the act of saying one thing and doing another. From the time I heard the phrase, “All men are created equal”, I knew this to be a lie. But the flood of information that came back was much more interesting. Earth is better described as a petri dish. There are hundreds of experiments going on of an overt and covert nature. And they are going on underground, in the sky, and before our eyes. I think this is why movies like Matrix and Inception are so fascinating to me.
The other thing that was made clear to me was that you can’t drop into Earth before you are ready. Just like you don’t hand a four year old an Uzi. You have guides / mentors / masters who will work with you on the things you want to learn. But they will steer you away from the challenging places until they think you are ready. However, free will exists in this instance too. The result can be that a soul comes back so damaged and fragmented that they are sent to a holding area to recover before they can return to their home group.
Words / energies kept being washed over me — ‘admiration’, ‘adventurer’, ‘explorer’, ‘hero’, and even ‘famous’. Apparently, we are the reality TV programming for those on the other side who hope to learn vicariously through us.
At this point, my attention is drawn back onto the Quidditch pitch. The data rate changes and I look up to see the ovals of light singing above my head. As someone who has spent maybe two decades singing, I can say it was the most inspirational thing I have heard. The data rate slowed and my connection to unconditional love started to require effort on my part. I said, “I must be going back”.
Of course, I asked why.
At that moment, Earth’s reality held nothing for me. Throughout the process I had learned to communicate with thought rather than a properly constructed sentence. It was so much less cumbersome. My humanness had left me too. My arthritic ankles, my torn inter-vertebral muscle, my accumulated injuries, physical and mental, were separated from me as easy as taking off a hat that no longer fit.
Another way I can explain it is that my life felt like a really poorly written script that I did not was to be in as an actor. It was then made known to me that I am both the Director and the Actor. If you don’t like it, flip the script.
What followed was a very complex wave of energy that I still have a struggle defining with human words. I have a greater struggle trying to manifest it. It was made known to me that I was returning because I had agreed to become a spiritual paramedic. I had agreed to be on Earth during a time of great honors and horrors. As people woke to new realities (or at least the corruption and collapse of the systems that they used to lean on), they would require help coming up from the multi-layered anesthetics we are all subjected to on Earth.
That was when someone restocking the linens on the hospital floor hit my bed with the cart and jolted me awake. Instantly, I was back in the prison of my corporeal confinement. All the memories, baggage, and pain came rushing back to greet me. It sucked. It sucked like nothing had sucked before and at this point I had turned off life support on my dad, declared bankruptcy, was in a shitty marriage, and was so weak that I could not lift my head. I did the only thing I could do. I closed my eyes and willed myself out of my body. I had never tried to project to Heaven and didn’t think I could. But, I remembered the complexity of the snowflake. Surely there was a way I could project there so I mentally saw a cliff and leapt off it as though my sanity depended on it.
I landed in a hole somewhere in the desert near the Four Corners region of the southwest United States.
